Wednesday, April 15, 2020


Wow, it has been over a year since I have last posted anything on the blog.  And now I find myself stuck at home for over 30 days in the middle of the Corona virus pandemic and feeling the need to write... something.

When the corona virus initially hit the US, we were due to make a short weekend getaway to Omaha for Spring Break with the girls.  We were going to see one of my favorite bands, The Lumineers, in concert and then hang out in Omaha a few days exploring.  The day before our trip, we learned that the country was going into lockdown mode. Group gatherings like concerts were cancelled, people were discouraged from flying or leaving their homes...

So we spent Spring Break mostly sitting on the couch.  We hung out as a family but weren't able to really go anywhere since everywhere we could go for entertainment - movies, restaurants, shopping, video game places were closed.  Unfortunately, Josh & I both had vacation that we had to go ahead and burn or we lost it so that's what we did.  About mid-week that first week of Spring Break, we learned that school was cancelled for the rest of the year.  I actually think that was the best decision because the constant extension process would have been painful not only for the kids but for parents who needed to make arrangements.  I'm just glad that our kids are older and are able to navigate online learning and such on their own for the most part.  Several people on my team at work throughout the world are trying to work from home and teach children at the same time... that isn't going so well for them.

Speaking of working from home, not a lot has changed on that front.  I'm already a person who works from home but the difference is that my family is now also home all day.  The girls do pretty good to entertain themselves and Josh works remotely from his office so it is a pretty quiet day except for passing each other at lunchtime in the kitchen.

I wish I could say that I've made good use of the time stuck at home but to be honest, I haven't accomplished nearly what I would have in any other circumstances.  I think a lot of that has to do with anxiety over the uncertainty in the world right now, especially with the dictator in charge of the US at the moment.  I actually have been pretty firmly in rut this entire time and feeling that I am only living to work.  Which is strange since not a whole lot has changed for me personally....

But something has my brain out of whack.  I am not reading as much.  That has started to come back a little but I was on an average of 2 books a week and I think I've read 2 books in the whole month we've been stuck.  I have done some decluttering or purging in my house but I would have thought I would have it at it's cleanest and really, it feels like such a bother to work on.  I haven't done one stitch (cross stich) this entire time.  I have done more cooking although it hasn't been the healthiest and that's a whole different issue.  Keto went out the window when it became obvious that getting groceries was going to be a challenge... initially due to hoarding but then later because shopping was becoming virtual (deliver and pickup) and items weren't in stock or I didn't have the ability to make substitutions on the fly for different meals, etc.  So while I'm cooking and we're eating pretty good... I've gone backwards on my health goals.  I made a goal to work on writing this year as well and this time at home seems like it would be perfect to work on some projects but nothing comes when I sit down.

And work.  Well work-life balance is off again.  And to be honest, I've been pretty unhappy with work in general for the last month or more.  I won't go into the details but it is accurate to assume that I am being taken advantage of yet again by another company.  Not perhaps with the severity as my last company but for whatever reason, I fall into this trap time and time again.

Overall...I am in a rut.

And I know that I should give myself a pass right now and practice some grace but it is a struggle.

I know that there are things to work on and improve; things that if I did them would make me feel better yet I don't.  Instead, I watch the COVID-19 Task Force daily meetings for at least an hour and get panicky... I stare at my phone for hours reading articles about how messed the US is right now... I worry about work issues that I shouldn't even allow to consume my thoughts... and I fall deeper into the rut.

I don't care if I have to stay home another month, 2 months, or even 6 months.  I just want some feeling of security and motivation to return.  I want to wake up and not dread the day ahead , to work on my goals daily and not feel like I am wasting my life away. 

What do you do when all the things you thought you cared about don't seem to matter anymore and you have no idea what it is that you actually do care about now...?

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