Saturday, February 8, 2014


I've been home sick the last several days recovering from the flu that has plagued the country. In my search across daytime television, I came across the documentary called First Comes Love on HBO. Nina Davenport is an Indie Filmmaker who at the age of 41 has yet to find the right partner in life to settle down and start a family with. She makes the decision to get pregnant on her own with the help of friends, including one who donates the sperm and another who acts as her birthing partner and main support throughout her pregnancy. The film wasn't quite what I thought it was going to be but actually tapped into something that was very relevant in my life.  Throughout the film, Nina continually looked to others for validation of her life choices including the big one, parenthood.  Throughout the film she records several conversations with her father over his continuous disapproval for how she lives her life and over her decision to get pregnant.  After her son is born, there is a scene where she is outside and her son is playing in the grass. I believe she has a bit of revelation as she watches her son play and says something like, "At some point, I am the mother, the one who is responsible for my actions."  It appears that she realizes that she doesn't need anyone's approval to do what she feels is right for her life. 

This hit me hard.

I feel like at the age of 36, I would be past this very thing myself, but I'm not.  Sometimes I feel like I just play "grownup" but in reality, I'm still just a child who will make bad decisions unless discussed and ruminated on for days.  And then I thought about my current situation.

I was sick at home feeling guilty for days for not being at work.  I am the best person to say what my body can and can't handle.  Why would I need to feel guilty or like a slacker for taking the time I need to get better?  I don't.  I am also an adult and am accountable to the decisions I make. I am not out to impress the world or live to please others. 

I am here for me.  And my family and friends. 

And the stress started to fade away. I don't have to be insanely good at my job.  I don't have to be the best at everything, including the things I really don't care about.  I just have to be what I want me to be.  And I am enough.

I can also be a child at heart and still be a grownup. I so often deny myself the things that are me that I miss out on the things that I love. 

I've returned back to the blog in hopes to help me be accountable to me and who I want to be.  I hope to be blogging more and sharing with you who I truly am.

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